10. How to Keep Your Wife in Love with You

It is annoying to spend long months training a wife only to have her leave you for another.

You may believe that any sensible woman would want to stay with you for her own good. This is not always the case. Women are creatures of emotion, seldom making their decisions as we men do, on the basis of reason and logic.

Remember, too, that the wife who loves you is harder working,   more efficient, and  more cheerful.

Make sure that she does. You will be surprised how easy it is.

"MUST I LOVE HER, TOO?"

Leave the gentle emotions to others. To keep your wife firmly in hand, and soundly in love with you, you must act clearly, dispassionately, and logically—something few men can do when their minds are confused with passion or softened by sentimentality.

If you love, unwisely and too well, you may be startled as so many are—to find that your wife has deserted you for another, less confused male.

The wife who loves you is hardworking, more efficient.

—In short, have a clear head, a firm hand, and a cool heart

BE SEXY

Though love is not necessary, sex has a place in every marriage.

(NOTE: // you are reading this book aloud by the fireside, skip the next jew pages. It is also recom­mended that you either place the book on a high shelf, or snip out these passages. They are not intended for young ears, nor are the frank diagrams suitable for immature eyes.)

The subtle distinctions between love and sex we will leave to other, more incisive pens, and get on to the prac­tical instruction.

IT IS YOUR MIND THAT MATTERS

The trim, hard-muscled physique is a fine asset, to be sure, but in sex it is the mind that really matters.

The physical aspects are childishly simple and can be mastered by any schoolboy. They are far less difficult to perfect than, say, a good approach shot, or a serviceable backhand.

The brainwork, the strategy and tactics, are not so sim­ple, and it is here that real competence is developed, here where the men are separated from the boys.

BE CONFIDENT

The man who is relaxed and confident has won half the battle.

You must never doubt that you are the most desirable man in the world. This idea will seem ludicrous to you at first, but keep at it. Millions of men have accepted it easily, and so can you.

Give her the impression that she is lucky to be with you, that you are, somehow, doing her a favor, and that it cannot last.

FLATER HER

The object of really skillful flattery is to show that you do appreciate her, that in fact she almost comes up to your exacting standards.

In short, create the impression that she is probably the most desirable girl in the world—but that you haven't quite stopped looking.

Flatter a woman only on her good points. She will know what they are, and it must be assumed that by this time so will you. A woman with good eyes, hair, breasts, or legs will know it, and can easily swallow the statement that they are the most beautiful in the world.

A word of caution, however. Uncontrolled flattery is bad, can backfire and make a woman feel she is too good for you. Controlled flattery not only preserves the right balance, but can lead to self improvement.

"Your legs are lovely, dear. Probably the best in the country—below the knees."

"What's the matter with above the knees, Davie?"

"Did I say anything was the matter, Phoeb?"

"Davie, don't you dare leave me hanging here cut off at the knees! If my hips are too fat, say so!"

(Deep in her heart every woman knows her own shortcomings.)

"You said so, sweet, not I. I like you just the way you are."

(This is always an excellent phrase. It shows toler­ance, affection, and good nature—yet subtly implies there is room for improvement.)

Often you will find you have planted a seed. Watch it grow.

"David, I haven't eaten anything but black coffee and grapefruit for three weeks. Now how are my legs?"

"Lovely, dear, lovely."

(Every nice word helps.)     y

"Above the knees, David!"

"Lovely, Phoeb! Pretty soon now I bet we'll notice a real improvement in our little girl!"

(Encourage and inspire, but never overdo it.)

BE BOYISH

Though in most civilized countries maturity is the key­note to sex, in the United States the opposite is true. Here you will succeed best by Being a Little Boy.

Stay figuratively in knee pants and you will be loved deeply and well. Call your wife "Mom" from time to time. She will accept this as a healthy, affectionate, Amer­ican gesture, and will love you all the more.

In fact, there are times when this is the only safe approach.

"David, what's this powder and lipstick on your handkerchief?"

"Must be yours, Phoeb."

"David, this is not my perfume, and not my shade." (All escape seems to be cut off. But wait!) "Well, gosh, Mom, I mighta been a naughty boy, but I couldn't help it, honest. This great big gal at the office just picked up your little guy and before he could say 'Put me down!' she gave him a great big bunny hug!"

(Note the use of the third person, too. This is effec­tive in such cases, since it almost creates the impression it was sombody else.)

BE AFFECTIONATE

You can be affectionate either (1) boyishly, as above, or (2) doggishly, which many say is even better.

Dog-like affection should be just a bit clumsy and overeager, like a cocker spaniel wagging its tail. This is best when accompanied by an over-all shaggy appear­ance, obtained not only by tweedy clothes, but by keep­ing the hair mussed and just a little too long, and particu­larly by assuming a shaggy expression. This takes prac­tice, but is well worth the effort.

The lop-sided smile plays a part here, but you are striv­ing for more than that. The shaggy expression cannot, many argue, simply be assumed, it must be lived. It is, they say, a way of life—and a fine one, too.

BE SOUGHT AFTER

You have only to watch a bargain sale to realize that no woman wants anything unless other women want it, too. Make this principle work for you and not against you.

Be sought after by women and—more important—let your wife know it. We can take it for granted that women will pursue you, as they will most men. However, if you aren't outwardly attractive, have no fear. Seeming to be sought after is just as good, as long as you make it con­vincing.

"Let's cross over here, Phoeb. Don't think she sees me yet."

"Who, Davie?"

"That blonde."

(Always pick the most gorgeous hunk of woman in sight.)

"The minkey one, with the legs?"

"Mmmmmmm-huh. Can't imagine what she sees in me, pet, but she claims she simply turns to jelly when I'm near her. Lord knows, I don't encourage it, any more than I do with the others."

Office parties will give you other opportunities.

"Have to go, Phoeb, much as I hate it. You don't know what it is to fight off four or five girls at once. Let them get one mouthful of liquor and they just swarm over me. Have to pick 'em off like leeches. What are you going to do? Some people just radiate sex, and I guess I'm one of the unlucky guys."

If actual demonstration is necessary, and if you're un­able (or unwilling) to draw adoring women, certain types will be of help.

1. The Myopic

This common type cannot see two feet in front of her, yet is unwilling to wear glasses at parties.

First make sure your wife is watching, but at a dis­tance. Then approach the myopic one and say "Darrr-ling!" in a stage whisper. She will turn on you a look of love and affection that will last until you come into focus.

Retreat rapidly, and if you are nimble you can create an impression not only of love and affection, but of physi­cal pursuit. Fade into the mist and rejoin your wife.

"Did you see that, Phoeb?"

"I certainly did, David. Downright blatant."

"I got away, thank goodness. You appreciate my problem, though."

2. The Co-worker

There is magic in proximity and daily association. Women who work side by side with you cannot help com­ing under your spell, especially if you control their sal­aries or can throw business their way.

They will like you for yourself, but it is difficult to make many wives believe this. In fact, if you encounter a co-worker at a public gathering, allow her to make the usual display of affection, but do not reveal the relation­ship to your wife.

"Little embarrassing, I know, Phoeb." "Who is that woman, David?" "Please, darling!" (Take on a wounded expression.) "Let's not discuss it, shall we? It all happened before I met you. She never got over it, poor kid."

3. The Discerning

Some women are keener judges of character than others. They can see through your tough veneer, can find the real you that lies beneath. They can be forgiven for their occasional displays of emotion.

These women will surprise you with the accuracy of their judgment of your character, though—if you over­hear them—you may be amused to find they heap the most shameless flattery on other men.

"Davie, I saw you give me that gorgeous, beamin' smile. I just went all a-twitter, I did! You are the most charmin', lovable man!"

Let your wife overhear this and she will appreciate you all the more.

HOW TO KISS

Many of us are likely to forget that kissing, when prop­erly gone about, can be a real pleasure. And unlike so many modern pastimes, it requires no mechanical equip­ment, little training, and small danger.

The man who spends his time kissing can scorn greens fees, caddies, ski tows, and overhauling of motors. He can laugh at the weather, can feel safe from bodily in­jury, strains, sunburn, poison ivy, and the like. Locker room arguments with their lasting bitterness can be for­gotten.

And today, with our social advances, men have more and more time away from office and factory, more gold­en hours of leisure. Use them!

The Long Range View

However, there are times when gay pleasure must yield to sober thought, times when we must take the long range view.

Just as important as knowing how to kiss is knowing when to kiss, and—even more important—when not to.

If it seems to you that your wife is beginning to take you for granted, if for example she greets you in the eve­ning wearing an old pair of slacks, it is time for discipline.

The Neglected Kiss

For several days neglect to kiss your wife. If she is used to it she may, by sheer habit, place herself in a kissing position, lips extended, body quivering, and face full of affection. Give her an excuse.

"Oh. Sorry, Phoeb. Don't want to give you this cold." "I didn't notice you had a cold." "You would if you kissed me, pet."

The next time an opportunity arises, say a few hours later, give her a different excuse. This is important.

Just as important is knowing when to kiss.

"Oh, sorry, pet. Don't want you to catch this sore throat."

"I thought it was a cold, Davie."

"Where in the world did you get that idea, Phoeb?"

The Automatic Kiss

This is sometimes referred to as the Kissless Kiss, and can be administered on the cheek or forehead, though the real expert can do it directly on the lips. If it is kept quick, dry, and sexless the lip technique is by far the most effective.

The humorous, or end-of-the-nose kiss is equally sex­less, but carries with it a note of forgiveness.

The Slightly Preoccupied Kiss

Kiss her almost ardently, then break off suddenly and write something down in a memo pad.

"What are you writing, Davie?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Tell me, Davie, tell me?"

"Nothing at all, pet." (Close the memo pad.)

"Where were we? Oh, yes, come here!"

Or, during the course of an ardent embrace, start hum­ming something—softly, but not too softly.

"David, what are you humming?" "Our song, Phoeb." "That isn't our song, David." "No?"

(Stop humming and go on with whatever you were doing.)

The Delayed Morning Kiss

A few weeks of skillful treatment should snap her back into line, if she is made of the right stuff. If so, be big. Take her back into the fold. It is best to do this dramat­ically, and one good method is the delayed morning kiss.

Leave a few minutes early for work, drive once around the block, then rush back to the house.

"Forget something, Davie?"

"Sure did, pet. Forgot to kiss you good-by. There!"

,Kiss her soundly, but don't overdo it. This is most ef­fective if you have neglected to kiss her good-by for the last three or four mornings. Then leave for work. She will await your return eagerly.

The Anticipated Kiss

Closely related to the above is the anticipated lass, also referred to as the delayed kiss, type two.

Indicate subtly that you do plan to kiss her. Bend to­ward her slowly and then, as your lips almost touch, laugh softly.

"Oh. Just occurred to me. Funny thing happened at the office today."

Tell your little anecdote. When you finally do kiss her, she will appreciate it all the more.

The Burning Kiss

The mechanics of this are simple to perfect. In fact, you can do almost anything as long as you do it slowly.

It is the real expert, however, who adds afterwards the lovable, boyish touch.

"Gosh!" (Give her a big smile.) "Gosh, Mom, that was keen!"

The Question of Ears

You will find that women are sharply divided on their reactions to the ear kiss or even, in extreme cases, the ear bite. They either like this very much, or not at all.

Experiment once or twice, gingerly. If it fans her quickly into a flame you have another arrow in your quiver, another card in your deck. Remember it.

"Should I Kiss Her Hand?"

Though not actually subversive, hand-kissing is Un-American, and should be used only in extreme cases.

A word of warning: like eating peanuts, hand-kissing is habit-forming and difficult to stop once begun. If not curbed it can give your wife's hand a chapped or nibbled look and can bring you infection and loss of appetite.

SEX ISN'T EVERYTHING

You will soon find that sex alone isn't everything in marriage. Being a gay companion can go a long way to­ward filling your wife with deep and lasting affection for you.

Be a Gay Talker

Remember that while you're out in the whirl and glit­ter of the business world, your wife is leading a life which—while it may be restful and healthy—is often drab.

Bring back to her what you can of your tinselled world of bright lights and nimble minds. She will cherish it. Think, as you return each evening, of the bons mots you have delivered during the day, the sparks you have struck against others.

Embroider freely. Chuckle brightly, summon a twinkle to your eye, and say:

"Well, we were sitting around B.K.'s office when who sashays in but his secretary, fried to the ears and whistling through her teeth."

(B.K.'s secretary is really 62 years old, teaches Sun­day school in Hackensack, and drinks one glass of sherry every Christmas, but no matter. You will find your wife is interested primarily in the peccadillos of the career girls in the office.)

"Drunk again, was she, Davie?"

"Sozzled! Well, we expect that, but this time she started taking her clothes off, right there!"

"What did B.K. say, David?"

"What could he say? After all, he started it. Well, to put in all the sordid details—"

A little story like this will cost you nothing, and is sure to bring sunshine into her life.

Take Her Out to Dinner

An occasional meal in a restaurant makes a woman feel loved and pampered. It need not be expensive if you plan it properly.

(a) Let her choose the place. "You name it, Phoeb, any place at all!"

"Well, there's the Gold Club."

{Her first hasty choice will be the most expensive place in town.)

"Good. We'll go there."

{Never be niggardly. Start off gaily. Halfway there, stop suddenly.) "Oh, foolish of me. Gold Club's always closed on Tuesdays." (// it is Tuesday.)

"Sure?"

"Positive. Joe tried to get in last week. Tell you what, though. Now that we're 'way out here, I know a little French place. Very intimate."

{And they have a table d'hote dinner for $1.75.)

(b) Surprise her. If your wife becomes expansive at the sight of a menu, try this old continental trick. Select a good reliable place and order your dinner in advance. Be sure to select dishes that she likes, and ones that will fit your purse.

She will never see a menu and will have surprise after surprise as the different courses come on.

"I'm not even going to tell you how much this all costs, but nothing is too good for my Phoeb!"

Share Your Hobbies with Her

It is a happy marriage indeed when the husband and wife do things together, sharing all their happy leisure hours. Be a pal to your wife. Take her with you for a round of golf. Though she may not want to help carry your clubs, a well-trained wife can be useful in finding lost balls and replacing turf.

Aboard a sailboat a wife is invaluable, and often has a gay time, too. She will keep the deck sparkling, the lines well coiled, and the jib sheets firmly cleated. You will be free to handle the tiller, pitting your mind against wind and tide.

Wives even make fine shooting companions. One patient husband, faced with a crisis in his kennels, found that his wife not only blended well with the underbrush, but was able to hold a steady point for minutes at a time.

AVOID ARGUMENTS

Arguments have no place in the modern, well-planned marriage. Marriage is a partnership, marriage is working together.

Arguments occur only when there is resistance or lack of cooperation on the part of the wife.

Once your wife realizes how admirably suited you are to lead you will have little friction and a genuinely happy home.

However, in spite of all you can do there will be times when a poorly trained wife will raise her voice and an argument will have begun.

You have little to fear, however, if you memorize the following rules.

DON'T BE LOGICAL

Arguing with a woman is like trying to shoot pool with a hockey stick. You have a feeling you are playing two different games at the same time.

Being naturally clear-headed and logical, you may try to rely upon reason. This is a mistake. A woman uses only naked emotions, weapons she can handle far better than you.

Allow Tempers to Cool

A woman's tantrum is like a summer storm, violent but often of short duration. Once tears begin to flow, be sym­pathetic but preoccupied. Improvise some simple but urgent duty.

(Sob, sob.) "You don't love me, David." "Be right with you, Phoeb, soon as I check the safety valve in the basement."

"You don't love me!"

"I do, pet. Don't want you blown sky high, though. Back in a jiffy."

(Stay away for thirty or forty minutes, then return with a bright smile.)

"Oh, hello, pet. Perfect hell down there. Blazing and hissing. Now, where were we?"

Chances are, her momentum will be gone.

Arouse Pity

This requires expert playing, but if done correctly can melt the coldest heart.

"Gosh, Mom, when you come runnin' at your little Davie like that, well, I just wanta hide my head in your apron and have a good cry."

Once you arouse her sympathy your battle is half won.

Be Strong, Be Silent

Over the long haul, however, there are few techniques that equal simple silence.

It takes character to remain wordless, but you will have character to spare. Several days of silence wul wear down the most determined outburst.

You may be tempted to add the enigmatic smile or the tuneless hum. Do not do so. Utter silence and the mask-like expression are less satisfying, but will do the best job.

WELL WORTH THE EFFORT

Remember, kindness and consideration for your wife do pay off. The selfish husband who goes his own way with­out regard for his wife's feelings will soon find himself with a broken home.

Be good to your wife and she will be good to you.

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