MAKE HER PROUD OF YOU

The girl of your choice will want to be proud of you. Make it easy for her.

You may say, after thinking of yourself for a moment, that it is impossible for her not to be proud of you. Do not be deceived. Few women have your own keen judg­ment of character, few will realize that you are as good as you really are. You will have to help them.

HOW TO LOOK

Long ago women gave up trying to tell men apart by their clothes. Today they look deeper, seeking the real you underneath. They can do this while you are fully clothed, and time and again they succeed. Do your best to paint them a rosy picture.

Do your best to paint them a rosy picture.

Tear Drop Design and How to Fight It

All human males are forced day after day to keep their shoulders to the wheel. Actually, though, it is not our shoulders that we use, but our minds, which means it is an entirely different part of us that is held to the "wheel," or chair. It is the development of these powerful sitting muscles that enables us to remain chair-borne for hours without tiring.

Hand in hand with sitting strength comes the expansion of the chest—downward. This is caused not, as some be­lieve, by overindulgence, but by faulty design of the hu­man body. Originally engineered as a four-footed creature, man was never intended to walk in his current semi-erect position. The result is chest-slide, or paunch.

Together these form a pear-shaped silhouette which is both attractive and aerodynamically sound. It if were not for the critical attitude of women it would be universally admired. There are several ways to deal with the problem.

1. FACE IT

Don't upset the balance of nature. Live with it. You will find many ways to adapt yourself, including a skillful and attractive method of side-saddle dancing.

"Davie, is that you around there, too?" "Yes, pet. Everything all right?" "I don't know. Seems to me we've developed a list to starboard."

"Must be this new step, pet."

2. DON'T ADMIT IT

Retain the same trouser size, sucking in the powerful abdominal muscles until the belt is fastened. This is effec­tive, but can lead to broken seams, jammed zippers, and a strangled expression.

3. LET SCIENCE HELP

Luckily science has come to the rescue with a number of fine commercial devices. These are not to be confused with the female girdle, which also helps to hold up the stockings. Few if any of the male devices have attachments for supporting the socks. They are designed only to help your own steel-spring muscles give you a trim athletic appearance.

Wear Tweeds

A rough tweed will help the frailest fellow maintain a manly appearance. Careful, though, not to choose one so rough that twigs or bits of underbrush are woven into the fabric.

A good test of a tweed is to brush the arm gently over a bare female shoulder, if one is available to you. If there are scraping noises or rumpled feelings, select a softer weave.

"Should I Wear Shorts?"

We are too close to our knees to judge them impartially. The wise gentleman regards them as though they belonged to someone else. Look at your own in this light and you may choose long trousers, or at least pedal pushers. If, on the other hand, you can show a really "good leg," it is not only safe but provocative to wear shorts or tight riding breeches.

BE PHYSICAL

You must decide early whether you want to display great strength or great weakness. There is no middle ground. If you cannot have bulging biceps and a grip of iron— and so few of us can—it is best to be puny.

Use this simple rule of thumb: if you can't pick her up with one hand, plan your physique so that she can pick you up, or want to, which is almost the same.

BE MENTAL

All women like to think they are in the company of in­tellectuals. Do your best to make them think they are.

It is much better, however, to seem to be a mental giant than to be one. Being one may make women go for you, but will leave you no time to go for them. You will soon learn that if there is anything women need a great deal of, it is time.

All women like to think they are in the company of intellectuals.

Your first step will be to look intellectual. It will help to wear a pipe, clamped firmly between the teeth, but not smoked. All women "like pipes" but not the fumes from them. Light it occasionally but allow it to go out quickly. It will do this anyway.

Have the head trimmed regularly, but train one fore­lock to dangle carelessly across the forehead.

Your setting will be important, too. At least one wall of books is essential. Display prominently two or three shelves of paper bound books in French.

"Sartre! My, Davie, I think he's divine, don't you?" "Don't ever touch him in English, though, darling.

Matter of rhythm. Breaks down utterly."

(Snatch up any volume, read off a sentence or two.Never translate.)

"There. See what I mean? It flows, dammit, it flows." "It certainly does, David. It's so—so French!"

A half dozen volumes in some obscure language, say Arabic or Sanskrit, are excellent. Pretend almost total ignorance of the language.

"No, no, really! I just stumble through it. Nothing but imagery anyway, when you pin it down."

Several racks of records are de rigueur. One refreshing approach is to ignore utterly the classical records.

"Hope you're a real aficionado, darling. Let me try this on you. An old ditty done years ago by the Con­necticut Yankees."

"Oh?"

"Forget the melody. Concentrate on the underbeat. Something, well, terribly real about it. Frightening al­most."

With most females it is possible to put on a dazzling display of intellectual virtuosity with a minimum of re­search.

"Oh, Davie, the Stravinsky!"

"Do you love him, too? I find him rather, well, en-compassing."

"And vital."

"You've got him there. Vital. In a moribund sort of way."

The skillful male can keep this up for hours, whether or not he is familiar with the work of art under discus­sion. The only danger lies in being specific. For example, the above conversation could take a bad turn:

"And vital."

"Vital? How do you mean exactly? True, the first thirty-two bars of the prelude have a definite lilt, but beyond that—will you help me with the counter melody?"

Such an approach will win few friends.

"SHOULD I CHOOSE AN ART?"
Being a writer, painter, or musician is bound to increase your hold over women. If you have an independent in­come, or wealthy women friends, by all means choose an art. Affectionate females will flock to you.

1. Be a Writer?

If you have no special talent in any direction, choose a writing career. No real training or ability is necessary, and little expensive or messy equipment is required.

Anyone can write. If you have been told that you "write a fine letter" (and who has not?) then the battle is half over. You need only an old typewriter, a well-thumbed copy of Roget's Thesaurus, and a far-away look in your eye.

Women will gather like flies. Writers, you will discover, are to women what catnip is to cats.

You must remember, however, that every hour spent cooped up with a typewriter is an hour lost forever to your women friends. Squander these golden hours if you will, but they will not return.

2.  Be a Painter?

Many will say, "We can't even write a letter!" If you are one of these, if you do not even know the elements of grammar (and many do not) you may either take to writ­ing modern poetry, or more easily, be a painter.

Art has come a long way since grandfather's day. No need to bother learning perspective, drawing, anatomy, or other technical details that used to make art so tedious. Be abstract! A good abstract painter with some bright colors and a ready tongue can do some mighty daring stuff and—what is more important—explain it.

Remember this easy rule: paint it first and explain it later. Starting with a preconceived idea is not only dan­gerous but may preoccupy you and interfere with your conversation in the studio.
Dress as though you had stepped out of one of your own paintings, a riot of gay colors. Contrasting shirt and slacks can be daubed carelessly with splashes of intermediate shades.

Use water colors. They dry quickly on the clothes and wash easily off face and hands.

3. Be a Musician?

Though it is true that music can melt fair hearts, it has not yet advanced to the point at which it can be mastered by everyone. Leave it alone.

You face hours of boring practice, the buying of much expensive equipment, and the baleful looks of landlords and close neighbors.

Socially your music will be a drawback. Everywhere you go you will be expected to perform, working away at a keyboard while the writer and artist are off in cozy cor­ners pursuing their own ends.

"SHOULD I SEEM RICH?"

So many ask us, "Are women ever attracted by money?" The answer is, yes, they are. Most women need money, and  if  they  think  you  have  it,  they  will  need you.

If you have no money, seem to have it. If forced, on occasion, to show the color of it, be bold:

"Should have that much in change, darling, but every blasted sou is in escrow. Can't touch it till Epiphany."

Some believe that in courting wealthy women it is best to seem poor, on the ground that it will bring out a sort of financial mother instinct. This is not true. The warm­est hearted woman is never sentimental where money is concerned.

If she is rich, make it clear that money is of no concern to you. You are above it:

"Money! I'm bored with the whole idea of money, Jo."

"I know how you feel, Davie. I'm always afraid peo­ple are after my money."

"You, too? Mother always used to say, 'Davie, never let a girl know you're a Van Belt.' "

"Are you?"

"There, it slipped. Pretend I never said it, Jo. Twice removed, really. We've always tried to live simply."

HOW TO DRINK

Do not try to enjoy liquor for its own sake. Drink is an evil unless it is used in the right way and for the right reasons.

However, when carefully studied by the wise but fun-loving male, hetero-sexual drinking can play a strong part in increasing affection, lowering barriers, and stripping off some of the excess veneer of civilization.

Be careful not to strip off too much.

Know Your Liquors

You will soon discover that not one woman in fifty can tell, by taste alone, the difference between Haig and Haig Pinch and Old Plaid Simulated Scotch-type Whiskey, though she'll ask for the former every time.

Remember this rule: a woman is happy if she thinks she is drinking the brand of her choice. Night club owners have known this for years. If you can tell the difference yourself, mix the drinks out of sight and take advantage of the real article.

"Will you have Johnny Walker?" "Yes, Davie, if you have the black. Not the red. There is such a difference."

"Pet, I wouldn't be caught dead with the red label."

Give her Old Plaid. After taking a long draught shell say:

"No question, David, there is such a difference!" "Rare to find a girl who appreciates good liquor, pet."

Avoid Drunkenness

Know your own capacity and—even more important— that of your women friends. The over-generous host who allows his female companion to become super-saturated will find he has a poor companion.

If, on the other hand, you are entertaining a woman of formidable capacity you may have to take precaution­ary measures. A rack of spare ribs, a piece of toast but­tered on both sides, a half cup of melted lard, or other fatty substance, taken shortly before imbibing will pre­vent giddiness and maintain firmness of purpose.

The wise male, for reasons of economy, soon rids him­self of girls of this stripe.

"Should I Drink to Forget?"

Though drinking may help you to forget yourself occa­sionally, it is of small value in blotting out the memory of a pretty face, unless you reach the point at which all faces are blotted out. No need to discuss here the confusion that this can cause.

The only proper way to forget one woman is to find another, a subject that is fully covered in later chapters.

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